Parenting For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
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Copyright © 2007 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2006927652
ISBN 978-0-7645-5418-6
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6
2B/RV/QS/QX/IN
Sandra Hardin Gookin is the mother of four boys. She holds a degree in speech communications from Oklahoma State University, and her background in communications has been the basis for her theories on parenting. That, plus lots of experience in parenting methods that not only work but are painless.
Sandy also is an accomplished computer book author. She has written such books as Windows XP Home Edition, I Didn’t Know You Could Do That, and PCs For Dummies Quick Reference. When Sandy isn’t busy writing and parenting, she’s an actress and theater director.
Dan Gookin has written more than 75 books about computers, and his works have been translated into 34 languages. Dan wrote the first “For Dummies” book (and many after that), so the light, humorous, and informative style of “For Dummies” books is Dan’s style. His most recent titles include PCs For Dummies, 8th Edition and Naked Windows XP.
Dan and Sandy currently live with their several boys in the as-yet-untamed state of Idaho.
This book is dedicated to our four boys, Jordan, Simon, Jonah, and Jeremiah. Thank you for being the subject of inspection and prodding and poking and just a whole lot of fun. You make life worth living and you turn every day into an adventure.
It takes a lot of people to make a book. People you wouldn’t even know about, such as my parents; thank you Mom and Dad for helping with the kids when I had to lock myself in my office to get this book done so Norm, my editor, wouldn’t yell at me. Thank you also to contributing editors, Dr. Tim Cavell and Dr. Mary Jo Shaw. Your brilliance in your fields of expertise was very much appreciated.
Special thanks to Matt Wagner, my literary agent, for pushing this book through to its second edition. I am grateful for your persistence and patience.
And thank you to Norm Crampton, Editor Supreme, and Neil Johnson, my copy editor, for their ability to make me look smarter than I really am.
There are many people who contributed to this book whose names I don’t know — parents I’ve observed who were wonderful and kind to their kids and who gave me inspiration. I thank you all.
We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.
Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:
Acquisitions, Editorial, and Media Development
Project Editor: Norm Crampton
Acquisitions Editor: Pam Mourouzis
Copy Editor: Neil Johnson
Technical Editors: Beth Ann Martin, MD; Timothy Cavell, PhD
Editorial Manager: Christine Beck
Editorial Assistant: Melissa Bennett
Cover Photos: © IT Int’l/eStock Photography/Picture Quest
Composition Services
Project Coordinator: Erin Smith
Layout and Graphics: Stephanie D. Jumper, Jackie Nicholas, Jeremey Unger, Mary J. Virgin, Erin Zeltner
Proofreaders: Laura Albert, John Greenough, Andy Hollandbeck, Linda Quigley, Aptara
Indexer: Aptara
Publishing and Editorial for Technology Dummies
Richard Swadley, Vice President and Executive Group Publisher
Andy Cummings, Vice President and Publisher
Mary Bednarek, Executive Acquisitions Director
Mary C. Corder, Editorial Director
Publishing for Consumer Dummies
Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher
Joyce Pepple, Acquisitions Director
Composition Services
Gerry Fahey, Vice President of Production Services
Debbie Stailey, Director of Composition Services
Title
Introduction
About This Book
Foolish Assumptions
How This Book Is Organized
Icons Used in This Book
Sidebars from My Guests
Contacting the Author
Visit Our Web Site for Free Newsletters
Part I : The Basic Stuff You Must Know
Chapter 1: The Parenting Game: Everyone’s a Winner
Leveling the Parenting Game Playground
Introducing the Five Basic Parenting Skills
Finding Your Sense of Humor in the Lost and Found
Is There an End to this Game?
Chapter 2: Guidelines for Co-parenting (The Two-Party System)
Parent + Parent = Teamwork
Look! Over at the Mall — Driving the Minivan — It’s Super Mom!
Be Good to Yourself
Don’t Neglect Your Mate
Let’s Behave, Shall We?
Surviving Single Parenting
Chapter 3: Being a Consistent Parent
Ground Rules for Consistency
Where Your Child Is Allowed to Play
Consistency Is the Art of Being an Unbending Jerk
Cuteness and Persistence: The Art of Breaking Your Consistency
Building Walls around Your Children
Chapter 4: Following Through
Follow Through with What?
I’ve Followed Through, Now My Life Is Easy!
Watch Your Mouth!
Timeliness — It’s Oh-So-Important
Chapter 5: The Art of Keeping Your Cool
Finding Your Inner Coolness
Developing Patience in Your Child
“I Failed!”
Chapter 6: Behavior Management
Playing the Manipulation Game
Understanding Will Set You Free
Giving Praise
Giving Plenty of Attention
Keeping Idle Hands Busy
Keeping a Safe and Happy Home
Remembering to Laugh
Part II : Dealing with Babies
Chapter 7: Holding and Handling the Baby
Is It Possible to Spoil a Baby by Holding Him Too Much?
The Joy of Cuddling Newborns and Infants
Lugging Older Babies
Comforting Crying Babies
Crying Babies in Public
Chapter 8: Breast-feeding versus Bottle-feeding
Breast-feeding as a Total Commitment by Mother and Father
Breast-feeding Pros, Cons, Myths, and Truths
Breast-feeding Guidelines
Breast-feeding Away from Home — and Away from Baby
The Truth of All Truths about Breast-feeding
To Wean or Not to Wean (That Is the Question!)
Bottles for Babies
Chapter 9: The Diaper Thing
Talking the Messy Language of Poop
Changing a Diaper Step-by-Step
Dealing with Diaper Rash (Or the Itchy Bottom)
The Great Diaper Mystery
Chapter 10: Just for Babies: Sleeping, Bathing
Rock-a-bye Baby: Getting Your Infant to Sleep
SIDS
Bathing Babies
Chapter 11: Doing Your Part for the Economy: Food, Clothes, and Gear for Babies
Food Supplies (Or Bottles and Nipples)
Clothing Supplies
Bathroom Equipment
Infant Seats
Changing Tables
Bedding and Stuff
A Night Light
When the Little One Goes a-Travelin’
Goodies Your Child Will Eventually Need
Just-for-fun Stuff
Chapter 12: Infant Health Concerns
Making It Through Your Baby’s First Physical Exams
Understanding the Things that Parents Worry About
Chapter 13: Growth and Developmental Stuff
Newborns
One-Year-Olds
Fifteen Months
Part III : Serving Your Child’s Physical Needs
Chapter 14: Understanding Food and Nutrition
They All Go Through It
Is It Time for Solids Yet? (Babies)
No Picky Eaters Here! (Toddlers)
No Food Problems Here!
The Balanced Diet Concerns for All Ages
The Basics of Kiddy Food
Food Do’s And Don’ts
Food Safety
Chapter 15: The Joys and Perils of Bathtime
Do I Really Need a Bath?
A Safe Bath Is a Happy Bath
Don’t Overlook Those Body Parts
Lotions, Potions, and Powders
Chapter 16: Sleep, Glorious Sleep
Strategic Bedtime Plans
“I’ve Already Started Something I Shouldn’t Have — Now What?”
When All Else Fails
He’s Waking Up, He’s Waking Up!
Naps (Those Things Adults Long For)
Sleeping with Children
Chapter 17: Potty Training Perfected
Waiting for the Right Time
Part IV : Seeing to Your Child’s Health and Safety
Chapter 18: Health and Hygiene
The Nasty Elements (Sun, Heat, and Cold)
Sniffles and Sneezes
Recognizing the Signs of Illness
Preventing the Spread of Germs
Is Your Medicine Chest Okee Dokee?
Healthy Habits
Chapter 19: Going to the Doctor
Finding the Right Doctor
The Child/Doctor Relationship
When to Go to the Doctor
When to Change Pediatricians
Don’t Forget the Pharmacy
The Alternative Choice of Homeopathy
Hearing and Vision Problems
Speech and Language Milestones
Starting a Good Dental Hygiene Program (Happy Teeth for Kids)
Chapter 20: Making Life Safer
Knowing Your Children
Safety Procedures (The Do’s and Don’ts)
Putting Your Child in Danger
Making Kids Waterproof
Traveling: Car-Seat Safety
Chapter 21: Finding Good Child Care
Looking at Your Options
Hunting for Good Child Care
Using a Child-Care Referral Service
Starting Your New Child Care
Tossing the Coin for Sick Kids
Part V : Developing a Good Person
Chapter 22: Raising Your Child (12 to 24 Months)
Treating Your Child Like a Person
Talking to Them and about Them with Respect
Using Positive Communications (Or What Most of Us Call Happy Talk)
Interacting with Your Children
Giving Kids Time
Sharing with Your Mate
Putting Moral Fiber into Your Day
Chapter 23: Communicating with Your Child
Talking and Being Heard (It Isn’t Always the Same)
Explaining What Is to Be Expected (Or, How to Avoid Those Ugly Grocery-Store Incidents)
Teaching Basic Communication Skills
Do You Have a Question?
Alternative Forms of Communication
Chapter 24: Your New Big Job: Teacher
You’re Teaching All the Time
Setting a Good Example
Teaching Honesty and Responsibility
Building Independence, Self-Confidence, and Self-Esteem
Last but Not Least: Respecting Others
Chapter 25: Social Skills That Make You Proud
Great Social-Skill Expectations
Dining Out with Children (Other Than Fast-Food Restaurants)
Children on the Go
Children and the Movies
Chapter 26: Punishment and Discipline
The Big Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
The Ordeal of Punishment
Guidelines for Discipline and Punishment
Reforming the Repeat Offender
Being in Charge without Being a Tyrant
The Purpose of Punishment
Types of Punishment
Team Decision-making
Chapter 27: Squelching Squabbling Siblings
There’s a New Sibling in Town
How to Handle Siblings
Teaching Siblings How to Play Together
Teaching Siblings How to Have a Loving, Caring Relationship
Sibling Communication
Part VI : The Part of Tens
Chapter 28: Ten Things to Do Every Day
Chapter 29: Ten Things for Your Conscience to Whisper in Your Ear
Chapter 30: Ten Great Resources for Parents
Part VII : Appendixes
Appendix A: Safety
Appendix B: Traveling
Appendix C: Child Care
Appendix D: Medical Care
Appendix E: Keeping Your Children Well
W elcome to Parenting For Dummies
I want you to learn how to develop a good relationship with your kids. I don’t want you to get so wrapped up in being a “parent” that you forget that the little tyke who just spilled flour all over the floor is someone who has the same wants and desires about the way he is treated as you do.
I want you to learn what invalidating your child’s feelings is like. Saying, “Get up, you’re not hurt” is telling your child that you don’t believe what she is telling you.
I want to help you to stop all the parenting sins you were taught by your parents.
I hope your baby grows up to be a very old person someday because you were smart enough to believe all the safety warnings out there and that you didn’t fall into that category of, “Oh, that’ll never happen to me.”
Of course, I’m hoping that you get even more from this book. More than anything, I hope that you’ll embrace your job as parent with open arms and realize what a gift and honor it is to be one of the fortunate few who really do understand that your job is the most important job in the world.
This book was written with the sincere desire to coax you to look at parenting in a way that’s different from the way you may have been raised. In this book, a big emphasis is placed on communications and on developing a relationship with your child. But plenty of health and safety issues also are covered. I’ve tried to weed out the psychological hype and medical terminology, but you may find that I’ve had to include it from time to time. And, I’ve tried to limit the number of sappy stories about my own kids (although I have thrown in a few).
As with most For Dummies books, this one isn’t meant to be read from front to back, although it would please me tremendously if you read the entire thing from cover to cover. Although age-specific information is included for newborns and toddlers, this book is considered more of a reference for people who work with children of all ages. Each chapter has self-contained information about parenting. You don’t have to read the entire book to understand what’s going on; just go to the chapter and section that interests you.
You won’t learn the history of potty training in this book, or the psychological effects of bottlefeeding versus breast-feeding. But you will be equipped with excellent guidelines and helpful hints about getting your kids to bed, finding a good doctor, and making your home as safe as it can be. You know — practical stuff. The examples you’ll read in this book have really happened to our family. Why would you want to read a book on parenting from people who haven’t ever really parented?
The only assumption made in this book is that you have kids, are going to have kids, would like to have kids, know somebody who has kids, live next to somebody who has kids, or were, yourself, once a kid. Whatever the subject is when dealing with children, this is your reference.
For ourselves, you may notice that two people are listed on the cover. That’s right, we’re married, and we have four children (ages 7, 8, 9, and 15). So the information in the book has been practiced in real-world situations. It really works.
This book has seven major parts and 30 chapters. Inside each chapter are subsections that apply to the topic at hand. Even though this book is arranged so that you can pick it up and start reading from any point, this is how it reads from front to back:
This first section is the backbone of the whole parenting topic. It contains information about how to be consistent, follow through with your actions, and interact with your children — the basic, important stuff. There’s also a very important section on co-parenting.
Babies are in a class by themselves, so they deserve their own special section (which we would have written in gender-neutral yellow, had we thought of it sooner). Breast-feeding and diapers and drooling and health concerns are all a little different for babies
This part of the book starts getting into parenting topics like food and nutrition, bathtime, bedtime, and the dreaded potty training.
Safety! Nothing is more important than being organized and prepared for safety issues in your home and safety issues with childcare. This section also includes health issues such as finding a good doctor and living with dangerous elements like heat and cold.
Your child wants to be treated with respect and like an individual human. That’s tougher than it may seem. If it were easy, parents would be doing it all the time. So I’ve dedicated a section on communication and interaction with your child. The sensitive subject of punishment and discipline also is addressed.
Life can be a series of checklists if you look at it that way. And this section gives you those checklists. Ten things to do every day. Ten reminders from your conscience. Ten excellent resources for parents.
Checklists and questionnaires galore. Appendixes A through E are replete with helpful checklists and questionnaires to get you through the tedious tasks of shopping, packing, and interviewing day-care and medical-care providers.
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I have invited two guest contributors to this book. I picked these two people for a variety of reasons, but most important, because they represent the two areas of parenting that I believe are equally important: the physical health, safety, and well being, and the mental health and well being of your child.
Dr. Mary Jo Shaw is the pediatrician for my children and has been since the day they were born. Dr. Shaw has sprinkled real-life advice and guidance throughout this book. Dr. Shaw has practiced pediatrics in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, for 14 years. She is the mother of three children.
Dr. Tim Cavell is an associate professor in the Department of Psychology at Texas A&M University. He has conducted a tremendous amount of research on what parents can do to prevent children from becoming delinquent and how to handle difficult children. I think his advice and contributions add another great element to this book.
Yes, you are free to write to me. Feel free to tell me about your personal parenting adventures, how you’ve overcome some situations, or just to ask for more detailed information that may not be covered in this book.
The best way to contact me is through an online account. You can expect the fastest feedback that way. Obviously, this works best when you have a computer and modem.
Via the Internet, write to
sandyg@wambooli.com
Via the U.S. Postal Service (which was devised in the 18th century, by the way), address us:
Sandy & Dan Gookin P.O. Box 2697 Coeur d’Alene, ID 83816
Please visit our Web site at www.wambooli.com. You can sign up for a free weekly parenting newsletter or the free weekly computer tips newsletter. Just click on the newsletter link to subscribe to one or both of the newsletters.
In this part . . .
The Egyptians knew that to make the whole pyramid concept work, they had to start with a strong, solid base. This base had to be all-encompassing and broad enough to handle the weight of everything that went on top of it. Making a good pyramid took a long time. Many attempts at building pyramids failed, but those aren’t the structures that you see in pictures or get to tour.
This part serves as a solid base for building a parenting pyramid. The following six chapters provide you with information and guidelines that can help you construct the sturdy foundation upon which you can build a great relationship with your kids. As was true of the original pyramids, you’ll run into stumbling blocks when you work on your parenting skills. But, if you have a strong foundation, your kids can pile all kinds of stuff on you, and you’ll handle it just fine.